Racing revellers

You can look at this picture for hours and still not find all the coont within!

Scroll down for more Spring Racing coontishness.

Rebecca Twigley

Enough already!

Please go away until next year’s Brownlow Medal!

Jennifer Hanson

Jennifer Hansen with husband Allan Fletcher who will make the list for a variety of reasons.

What the fuck Jennifer?  Don’t you have kids at home?

It’s not just a one off day at the races for you. On any given day throughout the year there you are – a Royal Flying Doctor Charity Launch on Monday night; the opening of an MTC production on Tuesday; a book launch on Wednesday; a Verve Cliquot piss-up on Thursday and whatever function some PR hack is silly enough to schedule on a Friday.

I can see what you’re doing Jennifer. You’re waiting for Lillian Frank to hang up her fur coat so you can become Melbourne’s pre-eminent useless socialite. It’s a good gig, I don’t blame you.

Here’s a deal, you keep going until the photographers who sold their soul and have to take social pics every night start having to ask your name.

People who are treated as A-listers for no apparent reason

Who? Who are these fucking people?

Richard Nylon, Alexi Freeman

What do you fucking mean why?

Like chefs, milliners and fashion designers don’t deserve any celebrity status whatsoever, yet they get it just for making clothes.

Do we give the guys who make vital parts fo airliners any A-list status? No! And next time you’re in hospital and have heaps of spare time on your hands try and figure out why we don’t spend a month giving heaps of media coverage to the people who make all those little machines surrounding you that go “beep”.

Any other time such a look would result in a good kicking.

Coonts!

Fascinators

Melbourne’s hat makers, otherwise known as milliners, make fuck all money during the year so they have to make what they can at Spring Racing Carnival time.

Making big beautiful hats takes time which means less money so they came up with fascinators, which are quicker to make and have proven popular despite looking like the kind of avian road kill you’d find in Far North Queensland.

Fascinators look nice on a model, however, on the head of larger women they look almost clownish.

A tip for the ladies; if you’re going to the races wear a hat and make sure the brim is wider than your arse!

 

Kevin Andrews

Fuck you, you Spock-looking, Captain Catholic, dog whistling, racist, Liberal, closet BDSM-loving, Lego haired, fucking coont!

Richard Heene

This is not because you’re a fucking lying, albeit imaginative, coont, but because you appeared on Wife Swap. TWICE!

And apparently you made this stupid ball0on story up to get your own reality show and make it rich because you believe the world is going to end in 2012.

Says your lawyer: “Because of that, he wanted to make money quickly, become rich enough to build a bunker or something underground, where he can be safe from the sun exploding.”

And a bunker would have saved you how?

And while we’re on the subject, shouldn’t your son be known as Attic Boy?

Andre Rieu

You know all those 30-something inner city types who wet their fucking pants whenever the Pixies announce an Australian tour and then stress for the next week trying to get tickets? Well I bet their grandparents carry on the same way whenever Andre Rieu comes to town – though instead of getting on Twitter or Facebook to announce they managed to score overprices tickets they go around the bowling club flashing them in Bert and Mavis’ face.

I don’t understand the attraction of Andre Rieu to older people. Surely they’re from an age that recognises true classicial music and that if they were going indulge in the classics they’d go and see the Royal Melbourne Orchestra at Hamer Hall rather than some Dutch cunt at Rod Laver Arena.

Andre Rieu is the Dan Brown of music – ok so you turned a couple of hundred pages but fuck off if you think you’ve just read a novel. Some people would say I’m being elitist. I say get fucked.

Lars Ulrich

Yeah, make a mint from churning out shit songs about defying the establishment and then have sook when people go against it to download the same shit songs of Napster. Why weren’t you on this list before you coont?